Tuesday, 26 February 2008

• 
  
  Something tells me if I don’t write now I won’t write for at least another week or two.  It’s not that I don’t want to.  I do.  I guess I just haven’t been sure what exactly to put into words and what to leave out.  I assure you that I only leave out that which I must.
  
  What is the ideal age to die?  Is there one?  Some might argue that dying young is best - after all, in our culture that’s when you’re “at the top of your game”.  It’s sudden.  It leaves less room for a life full of inevitable failures.  Besides, if you’ve ever worked in a retirement home in your life you know what I’m talking about when I say, “die young, avoid the puréed food!”
  
  Some would say, “ideally you should die at 100”.  This I would truly wish upon many happily married couples, fathers and mothers I know.  They, in particular, have so great an impact upon those close to them.
  
  Here I sit with nobody depending on me.  God doesn’t *need* me, so don’t give me that losing argument.  People *want* me around, but that’s not the same as dependence.  I have no kids (that you guys know about, anyway).  I have no spouse - ‘nuff said.  I am utterly “dependentless” and somewhat surprised and happy with my newfound (rather, “newly realized”) freedom in singleness.
  
  In some ways it seems I have come full circle in my views of love, life and “the now“. 
  
  ~I Love You~
  
  I don’t claim to know much about love anymore.  In fact, I think I’ve recently decided that I must know very little about it since I think so poorly of it.  Surely, it can‘t be as horrible of a thing as I currently deem it.  After all, God IS love.  Do I think highly of God’s love?  Absolutely.  And I don’t use the word “absolute” lightly.  I esteem God’s love for me with the most humble respect and gratefulness.  That said, I do distrust the human capacity to love.
  
  If there’s anything I know about my walk with God, It’s that it is quite lacking (nearly non-existent) in passion and fervor for Him as compared to His own love for me.  My love is corrupted, frail, fickle and lacking in spirit.  I harbor fear, resentment, bitterness, anxiety and hopelessness.  All of these things are in my heart, and my heart is the nesting place of love.  Surely, this “nest” should have long since fallen out of the tree and is, to this day, held upon the lofty branches by the faithful hands of my Lord.  Interesting how such a broken creature as me can be capable of such goodness as love.  I attribute it not to myself or anything that is within me, but to the Author of love.  This concludes tonight’s thoughts about love, but it certainly does little to convey all that has been on my mind on the matter.
  
  ~Life and "The Now"~
  
  I was driving home from work tonight and thinking about things I have been contemplating all month regarding my purpose and reason for the breath I’m breathing now.  I breathe in again.  There’s more reason than this - simply breathing in and out.  There’s more to life than driving through the countryside, enjoying a sunset or sharing a laugh with a comrade.
  
  So I’m driving down this lonely road.  It’s quite dark.  The sun set hours ago.  There are no street lamps on this quiet roadway in the backcountry of San Martin.  Thousands upon thousands of frogs are croaking in the pond to the right of my car.  City lights shimmer and glisten beyond the darkened hills of grass and weed.  The air is cold and crisp as if it had just rained and it freely flows over the hair on my arm as my arm rests on the car door.  I take in another deep breath…  I think, “what value does today hold if I am to die in a car accident on my way home?”
  
  My thoughts soon wander more broadly and openly.  I have always chocked up my talents, skills and experiences to be something God’s used to make me “more useful down the line”, as if I’m building towards something - some great moment or moments that were perfectly constructed for ME.  Self centered, isn‘t it?  But do we not sometimes think this way?
  
  I think about my guitar playing - amateur as it might be - and wonder why God ever gave me talent in it in the first place.  “God?  Did you give me that talent for yesterday or tomorrow?”  See, if I die tonight then the answer is surely “yesterday”, seeing as how I didn’t play guitar at all today.  Then again, if I die when I’m 90 who knows how many more chances I’ll have to use my guitar to reach the lost.  Then, of course, the answer would almost decidedly be “tomorrow”.  But we don’t know.  I surely don’t.
  
  It was a sudden realization that struck me like a shovel to the head.  I had to pull to the side of the road and stop the car.  Suddenly all of these experiences and talents that I’ve always *assumed* would be “useful tomorrow” or “useful down the line” suddenly seemed so meaningless.  If I die tonight, all of my experience and talents will be gone - useless to the world.  If that’s the case, then surely I must have botched up my life.  There is nothing to date that I can point to and say, “…and that’s why God gave me the gift of guitar playing”.  I can go on and on about NOT being able to say, “…and that’s why God gave me *this* gift or *that* gift”.
  
  All of a sudden all of these gifts held definite value.  They don’t hold value for tomorrow, however.  They hold value now.  Here in this moment.  Why am I not writing about experiences?  Why am I not telling more friends about this precious treasure I have found?  Why don’t I play praise and worship songs for a Bible study?  Why aren’t I more involved in my church, my community, my social environment?
  
  I don’t, because I’m a coward.  I’m weak.  I’m fickle.  I’m a flake.  I give up.  I am afraid.  I lack passion.  I lack honesty with myself.  I am distracted, and happily distracted at that.  I’m self-centered.  I’m selfish.  I’m disobedient.  I’m short-sighted.  I’m just… me.  A wreck.
  
  So I’m sitting here writing this blog at 3 in the morning and I get a phone call...  A dear friend is on the other end of the line in tears.  I listen to him tearfully and painfully speak about his life (which holds so great a value to me!) and how he wants to make serious changes to pursue God.   I’m overwhelmed.  Finally, someone like me.  Someone who sees himself as a disaster!  This is a man I can stand beside.  This is a man I can identify with.  This is a man I can get to know.  Someone with nothing to give but a broken nest of a heart and all the heartache one could take in a lifetime.
  
  We confidently tell each other that we love one another and hang up the phone.  Wow.  A teary 3 am phone call.  A heavy one, at that.  God used both of us to speak truth and love into one another‘s spirit… and you know what?  I didn’t use my guitar.  I didn’t speak a word about my past.  I didn’t REALLY use any skills, talents, experiences, or anything edgewise.  But now I guess I know why I didn’t die in a car accident tonight.
  
  Don’t make the John Ripley mistake of thinking your experiences or talents give you value.  Don’t have such a detestable pride that makes you think you’ll “someday” be “useful” to God.  Just be available.  Some of us, and myself perhaps most of all, are still learning that this world doesn’t revolve around *me*.  Suddenly I see the value of the breath I’m breathing in at this very moment… and it has nothing to do with me.
  

  • 5:31 AM
  • 65 Views
  • 4 eProps
  • 2 Comments